----------Interview by Renee Roberson
WOW: Congratulations, Kelsey, and welcome! Your piece, “Dear IVF, I Quit,” is written as an epistolary essay, or letter form. You’ve also shared your thoughts on your journey to motherhood similarly with “To All the Babies I’ve Loved.” What is it about this form of writing that resonates with you?
Kelsey: What’s funny is that before you pointed this out, I hadn’t made the connection of how I had used this form before as a way to process my infertility and motherhood journey—I wrote these pieces several years apart. But I think what I love about epistolary essays, or hermit crab essays in general, is how the constraint of the form is actually very freeing. When I’m trying to process something as big as a miscarriage or saying goodbye to my foster son or ending IVF, the feelings are too much to pin down. Borrowing the form of a letter gives me familiar parameters I have to operate within, which actually takes the pressure off of how I want to distill the emotions I want to convey. I love what Kim Adrian writes in The Shell Game: Writers Play With Borrowed Form, “The shell gives shape–sturdy structure–where otherwise there would be nothing but the boundless overflowings of human thought, memory, and emotion. Its remarkable ability to contain emotional, spiritual, and intellectual sprawl is due in large part to intrashell divisions, which neatly sidestep the need for conventional ‘transitions.’”
WOW: Could you share what the process of developing this particular essay was like, from the spark of the idea to revision to making the decision to enter this contest?
Kelsey: When it comes to infertility and IVF, you typically only hear success stories. After having a miscarriage in 2019, I felt desperate for stories from other women who were just a few steps ahead of me but still in the middle of their infertility, who weren’t looking back at their journey with rose colored glasses now that they had their baby. Struggling to find those stories, I vowed to always be open and honest about my own struggles. Whether it was through podcasting, writing, or in my real life, I tried to be as open as I could while still protecting my heart and my privacy as I walked through each stage of infertility. So when it came time to share about the end of my IVF journey, it was not a matter of if to share, but how. I had written about the topic on my own Substack, but I wanted a way to reach a wider audience who may have walked through the same thing or something similar.
This had been on my mind for awhile so when the idea of using the resignation letter hit me, I sat down and wrote it in one sitting. My writing process hardly ever looks like this, but I’m always grateful when it does. I actually originally wrote the letter for another outlet who is known for sharing work that is slightly snarky, which was part of my inspiration for this piece. Although the letter does convey deep emotion, I was tired of droning on and on about my experience in a weepy way. I wanted to write something that was direct and resolute and gave me some of my agency back in a situation where I felt I had none. Once I wrote my first draft, I shared the letter with my writing group and they gave me great feedback on ways I could add more details and clarity. After making some edits, I sent it off and waited to hear back. Not too long after, the publication emailed to let me know it wasn’t the right fit for them, but the editor was incredibly kind in her feedback. She praised the essay and let me know it wasn’t me, it was them working through figuring out what their audience was responding to at the moment. I so appreciated hearing back because a lot of times when you submit work and it gets passed on, you don’t know if it’s because of your writing or because of something on the other end. That rejection gave me the confidence to submit again. I still felt like the letter was meant to be shared somewhere other than on my personal Substack. So when I came across this contest and read the criteria, I knew this piece would be a good fit. I’m so glad I took the chance and kept putting myself out there even after rejection.
WOW: I'm go glad you persevered until you found this piece a great home with WOW!, and it's always encouraging to receive such kind words from an editor even when they pass on a piece. You started a Substack, "Craving Connection", two years ago. How has that experience been and has it helped you connect with other women and writers experiencing similar journeys?
Kelsey: Before becoming the Substack it is today, "Craving Connection" was a podcast I started with a dear friend who was my original “writing partner” back in high school. We always used to edit each other’s English essays and it was our shared love of words that led us to podcasting. The year was 2017, the height of the podcasting boom and post-blogging heyday, so we figured starting a podcast could be our avenue to writing a book some day. We were very naive about how much work it would take. We thought all we would have to do is start a podcast and we would automatically amass a huge audience. While that didn’t happen, we learned a lot about the creative process, creating publicly, and about discipline. We stuck with it for four years, putting out a show every Monday. Throughout those four years, the podcast gave me an outlet to share about my infertility and connect with other women in similar circumstances. Eventually, the show became untenable and we took a break. But after a year and a half hiatus, I was itching to have a creative outlet again. At this point, Substack was pretty new and instead of having to completely start from scratch, it seemed like a good way to repurpose what we had already built. Knowing we didn’t want to burn ourselves out again, we kept things very low pressure and posted whenever we wanted about whatever we wanted. After a few months of this, I was hungry to write more while she didn’t have as much bandwidth, so I took over the reins. As I experienced failed embryo transfer after failed embryo transfer, writing "Craving Connection" gave me an outlet to not only express my emotions related to my struggles, but to also write about all sorts of things as a reminder to myself that I was a full person outside of my infertility. While I never wanted to be pigeonholed into becoming an infertility blog, just like with podcasting, writing publicly about my story has led me to connect with women living similar stories. It has reminded me that I’m not alone and I hope it has reminded others that they are not alone, either. From day one, the heartbeat behind "Craving Connection" has been wanting others to think “I thought I was the only one, while sighing with relief that they’re not”.
WOW: What a great lesson in embracing our creative endeavors even when they need to evolve. Podcasting is hard work, but it sounds like Substack has been a great transition for you and still allows you to connect with others walking a similar path. When did you first know you were a writer?
Kelsey: I have my grandmother to thank for instilling in me a love of writing from a young age. Some of my earliest memories at her house were when we’d staple together sheets of computer paper and write stories together. She was a third grade teacher and a writer herself, published for the first time in her 70s, and always made the process of storytelling feel so magical. As I got older, I remember my classmates playing on the playground while I pestered my teachers to proofread stories I had written and begged them for feedback. In the sixth grade I won my school’s Veteran Day poetry contest and was asked to read my poem at the school assembly, which felt like a huge honor. Around this time I also began journaling and realized how I was able to process my thoughts and feelings so much easier by writing them rather than talking about them. Looking back, I think I’ve always known I was a writer, but only in the last few years has it become a lifeline for me. There is so much value in private writing, all the working out you do on the page that no one will ever see. But as someone who lives in my head, having people connect with my words, especially as it relates to infertility, is immensely gratifying and inspires me to keep putting words to the page.
WOW: What a great start to your journey as a writer! I love that your grandmother instilled such a love of words in you. Juggling writing with raising a young child can be no easy feat! What are your favorite ways to sneak in writing among your other daily responsibilities?
Kelsey: It definitely is not easy! My daughter is four now and she goes to a mother’s day out program two days a week, so I try to devote at least one of those days solely to writing. I have a hard time stopping once I get going, though. I’ve been known to pick her up from school, come back home, and write while sitting on the patio as she plays outside, or on the couch next to her while she watches a tv show. Even though she no longer naps, she still does rest time every day and I often use that pocket of time to write. My husband is supportive of my writing and understands when I hole up in bed with my laptop after we put our daughter to bed (which is exactly what I’m doing right now!).
WOW: Ha ha! You must do what you have to do, right? We enjoyed learning more about you and wish you continued success in all your writing goals. Thanks again, Kelsey!
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