Everything's fine. Or not.

If my life was a song, the refrain would be “Everything’s fine.” I am that person. The one who tries to put a positive spin on every person and event. Part of it is wanting everything to be fine and the other part is not wanting to worry people with my problems. So I’ve been singing “Everything’s fine” for years. Even when things were not. It just seemed easier.

My writing reflected that refrain. Fiction, articles, essays…none of my writing was dark. Yes, there was the occasional murder in a short story but it was always bad people who died, not innocents. I was the Pollyanna of the writing world. Even when I wrote about things in my life that were less than ideal, I always added a hopeful twist to balance out the negatives. Or more often, I would ignore the negative aspects of my life, focusing on the things that made me happy.

Because there are so many things in my life that make me happy: family, friends, art, nature, travel. When writing, I am never at a loss for a new subject.

But I’m getting too old to leave a portion of my life unwritten. I started writing about my fear, my anger, my failure. It started as middle-of-the-night letters to myself to get all the emotions out so I could finally sleep.  I guess it was my homegrown version of therapy. Then I began thinking, “Would other people read this?”

Of course, that was followed by, “Do I want other people to read this?”

Slowly, I’ve started polishing certain pieces into essays and sending them out into the world. Although it’s a part of myself few people have met, it is powerful. I’m still conflicted about the reaction of my loved ones if any of my middle-of-the-night writing is published. So I started out with flash essay contests. I didn’t win anything, but just sharing it with the contest judges was a big leap for me. Yesterday, I sent an essay to a dream market of mine: The Sun Magazine. So I’m seesawing between “Yes! What if it gets chosen?” and “Oh, no. What if it gets chosen?”

Have you found it difficult to share writing about aspects of your life you normally keep hidden?

Jodi M. Webb writes from her home in the Pennsylvania mountains about everything from DIY projects to tea to butterflies.  She's also a blog tour manager for WOW-Women on Writing and a writing tutor at her local university. Get to know her @jodiwebbwrites,  Facebook and blogging at Words by Webb. 

Leave a Comment Jodi M. Webb, personal essays, trauma