WOW! Women On Writing Blog: emotional abuse

Anne Walsh Donnelly lives in the west of Ireland, writes prose, poetry and plays and loves to experiment with form in her writing. She is the author of the poetry collections, Odd as F*ck, and The Woman with the Owl Tattoo, both published by Fly on the Wall press. Her novel, He Used To Be Me, was published by New Island Books in 2024. Anne is currently working towards her first personal essay collection.

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----- interview by Angela Mackintosh

WOW: Welcome, Anne! I’m thrilled to chat with you about your first-place win – congratulations! All of our judges loved “The Knife Thrower.” The braided narrative of your personal story juxtaposed with Barbara Braun and Sylvester’s knife throwing act is brilliant, and such a powerful metaphor. How did you come up with the idea of marrying the two?

Anne: Thanks Angela. It was such a delight to win. This essay started off as a poem which I wrote about five years ago. The poem was about Barbara Braun and Sylvester, and there’s no mention of my experience in the poem but I do remember when I was writing it thinking of my own experience when I was married.

I go through phases in my writing, writing in different genres depending on what’s going on for me. So, I go from writing prose to poetry to plays. I’m currently in the personal essay writing phase!

Writing poetry enabled me to explore painful experiences in an oblique way. Now that I have distance from some of those painful experiences, I am ready to explore them more overtly and the personal essay gives me that scope and space. I hope that makes sense.

So I decided to take the poem apart, really thinking about why I had written each sentence and what I was trying to say and then I just wrote about my experience and weaved the two pieces together. To be honest, I wasn't sure that it worked, but obviously it did. That period of my life (ending of my marriage) has been showing up a lot in the last few months, so the synchronicity of the win is not lost on me.

WOW: It definitely worked! I'm so glad you're focusing on personal essays. I read your last interview with WOW, and I was impressed by your dedication and persistence to finish your essay that took seven years to write! How long did it take you to write “The Knife Thrower,” and how did it change over time?

Anne: This essay took even longer to write – 14 years! As I’ve mentioned it started as a poem five years ago, but at that time, I wasn’t ready to write in more detail about my experiences towards the end of my marriage and the aftermath of leaving my ex-husband.

I guess this essay and all my writing have developed and grown in tandem with my personal growth and development and that’s the beauty of writing and of life.

WOW: 14 years shows amazing persistence! Your essay examines the important (and not often talked about) topic of emotional abuse. I learned a lot from your piece, including that coercive control is a criminal offense in Ireland, and that unlike domestic violence, the line isn’t as easily drawn, as you explored in this passage:

“I stepped closer and goaded him to hit me. But his hand stopped mid-flight. We both knew that if his fist connected with my eye, I would leave, now that I would be wearing a visible sign of his abuse.”

I appreciate you bringing awareness to the issue, and I’m so glad you had the strength to leave. What do you ultimately hope readers will take away from this piece?

Anne: It has taken me many years for me to realise that I had experienced abuse. At the time I partly blamed myself and thought that to name what I was experiencing as abuse was a gross exaggeration. It wasn’t and I know that now.

My biggest hope is that if there is any reader out there who is experiencing what I experienced, they will realise it’s not ok, and to seek support. Coercive control can be very subtle and sometimes talking to an objective person like say a therapist can help you see the situation you are in for what it really is.

WOW: Since we last chatted, your novel He Used to Be Me has been published! I see it’s been highlighted in newspapers and magazines and has great reviews. How has the book promotion been going, and have you learned anything you can share with our writers?

Anne: Thanks, yes, it’s going well, and I’ve been delighted with the reviews. The most important thing I’ve learned is to keep in your mind why you write, especially after publishing and not to compare your novel with others.

I didn’t write ‘He used to be me’ for fame, or to win awards or for it to be a bestseller. I wrote it because I had to write it, for writing's sake, for the story’s sake. The most important thing for me now is how it’s affected those who’ve read it.

When someone messages or phones me to tell me how much they loved the novel and how it spoke to them - that for me is the most important thing about the book now.

Publishing a book especially for debut authors can be stressful and it’s important to manage your expectations around your book. It’s a competitive market and not every book is going to be a bestseller but that doesn’t mean your book is not as good as any of the bestsellers.

My book is a short novel, but it’s one you would read more than once. Several people have told me they have read it twice, one person has read it four times! Isn’t that awesome? Another person said that it was a quick read, but she needed to sit for an hour afterwards just to process it.

Writing ‘He used to be me’ was an act of love for me, love for all the marginalised people in the world, who’s stories never get told.

WOW: Oh I just love books you can return to and read again and discover something new. I'm going to read He Used to Be Me. Speaking of reading, in your last interview, you mentioned being a fan of Melissa Febos. I am, too! I’ve read all of her books, and my favorite is a toss-up between Girlhood or Abandon Me. My favorite standalone essay is “Intrusions” (in Girlhood) for the way she seamlessly weaves in pop culture, voyeurism, and privacy with her personal story of getting stalked. It’s such a powerful essay. What is your favorite Febos essay and why?

Anne: Crikey, that’s a difficult question to answer. I loved Abandon Me, such a powerful book. I’m a voracious reader and the menopause has wreaked havoc with my memory so if a book stays in my head for more than a few weeks then I know it’s a great book and Abandon Me has stayed with me for more than a few months. It’s hard to pick a favourite essay but I love her essay Thesmophoria, where she writes about her relationship with her mother. The one sentence that really stood out for me in this essay was: “The closer the mother and the daughter are, the more violent the daughter’s effort to disentangle herself can be.”

WOW: That's a great essay and a powerful sentence. I've been reading a lot lately, trying to get back into a regular writing routine. I always find it tough to write during the summer when it’s hot and there are lots of events. What are your favorite tips for maintaining writing motivation and momentum?

Anne: I actually find it easier to write in the summer! Probably because that’s when I take my annual leave from work and time off work gives me more headspace for my creative writing. And here in Ireland it tends to rain a lot in the summer!

Having said that, we all struggle from time to time to maintain our writing motivation and momentum. My favourite tips would be to surround yourself with like-minded creatives. Joining a writing group, taking part in writing workshops or having a mentor can also help and allowing yourself to write whatever wants to come out without judging it. Just let it flow.

WOW: Great advice, Anne! Is there anything else you'd like to share? (What you're working on, any recent successes, etc.)

Anne: I would like to thank WOW for publishing my essays. As you know this essay is not the first one of mine to place in the top ten! One thing I’ve learned in my writing life is that not every editor or judge will like or ‘get’ my writing, and the fact that all of you lovely people at WOW get what I’m trying to do with my writing – well that means the world to me.

Oh, and some breaking news: a Polish publisher has bought the rights to publish my novel in Poland so I’m really chuffed about having my writing translated and published in another language.

WOW: That's exciting news about the Polish publisher! Thank you for your kind words about WOW and our contests. Wishing you continued writing success, Anne!

Writers, you can check out WOW's creative writing contests here:

https://www.wow-womenonwriting.com/contest.php

Leave a Comment anne walsh donnelly, braided essay, emotional abuse, WOW! Q3 2024 Creative Nonfiction Essay Contest

& giveaway contest!

Ever Faithful To His Lead: My Journey Away From Emotional Abuse is a memoir, a true life tears-to-triumph story of self-defeating detours and dreams lost and found.

A young woman who loses sight of the faith she has been brought up with attempts to find her way in the world, rejecting her stable roots in lieu of finding adventure and romance. Despite periods of spiritual renewal in which she receives a prophecy, she slides back, taking several self-defeating detours that take her through a series of heartbreaking events.

When Kathy's second husband, Dan's verbal abuse escalates, Kathy finally realizes she must move on before she and her children become a statistic.

How does a young woman who came from a stable, loving family make so many wise choices when it came to career, but so many wrong choices when it came to love, so that she ended up sacrificing career and having to flee in broad daylight with her children from an abusive marriage? What is getting in her way and why does she keep taking so many self-defeating detours?

The story opens up the day Kathy feels physically threatened for the first time in her three-year marriage to her second husband. This sends her on a journey to make sense of her life and discern what part she has played in the vulnerable circumstance she finds herself in.

She must make a decision--face her self-defeating patterns that have led to this situation and move on or repeat her mistakes. Her life and the lives of her two children are dependent upon the choices she makes and the chances she takes from this point forward.

Paperback: 242 pages
Genre: Memoir
Publisher: Open Books Press (July 28, 2014)
ISBN-10: 0985936797
ISBN-13: 978-0985936792
ASIN: B00M17OXYO

Twitter hashtag: #EFaithPooler

Ever Faithful To His Lead: My Journey Away from Emotional Abuse is available as an e-book and paperback at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and IndieBound.

Book Giveaway Contest:
To win a copy of Ever Faithful To His Lead: My Journey to Memoir, please enter using the Rafflecopter form at the bottom of this post. The giveaway contest closes this Friday, October 10th at 12:00 AM EST. We will announce the winner the same day in the Rafflecopter widget. Good luck!

About the Author:

Kathleen Pooler is an author and a retired Family Nurse Practitioner whose memoir, Ever Faithful to His Lead: My Journey Away From Emotional Abuse, published on July 28, 2014, and work-in-progress sequel, Hope Matters: A Memoir of Faith are about how the power of hope through her faith in God helped her to transform, heal and transcend life’s obstacles and disappointments: domestic abuse, divorce, single parenting, loving and letting go of an alcoholic son, cancer and heart failure to live a life of joy and contentment. She believes that hope matters and that we are all strengthened and enlightened when we share our stories.

She lives with her husband Wayne in eastern New York.

She blogs weekly at her Memoir Writer’s Journey blog: http://krpooler.com

Twitter @kathypooler

LinkedIn: http://www.linkedin.com/pub/kathleen-pooler/16/a95/20a

Google+: http://plus.google.com/109860737182349547026/posts

Goodreads: http://www.goodreads.com/user/show/4812560-kathleen-pooler

Facebook (personal page): http://www.facebook.com/kathleen.pooler

Facebook author page: http://www.facebook.com/AuthorKathleenPooler

Pinterest: http://www.pinterest.com/krpooler/

One of her stories “The Stone on the Shore” is published in the anthology: The Woman I’ve Become: 37 Women Share Their Journeys From Toxic Relationships to Self-Empowerment by Pat LaPointe, 2012.

Another story, “Choices and Chances,” is published in the My Gutsy Story Anthology by Sonia Marsh, September, 2013.

-----Interview by Crystal J. Otto

WOW: Kathleen, we’ve known each other quite a while now. You’ve been very influential in helping other others, so the question on my mind is: Who has been most influential in YOUR writing career?

Kathleen: My paternal grandfather, Paul wrote letters to my aunt and her husband for several months in 1945 during WWII when they were stationed at an Army base in Texas. He packaged them into journals, complete with construction paper covers, cartons and penciled drawings and labeled them “Paul’s Epistles.” They captured the details of every day life, the historical background of the war and my grandfather’s unique sense of humor as well as deep love for his four children. Those letters have brought laugher and joy to our family. According to family lore, Grandpa Paul had a “way with words” as did his daughter, my Aunt Ruth who published a book of poems. The messages I received from my family for as long as I can remember was “you’re just like your grandpa and aunt.”

On the maternal side, at the age of ten I wrote plays which I acted out in front of my Italian grandma, Nan and her lady friends. I can see them gathered in the living room sipping coffee and chattering on in Italian. I never understood a word but I can still feel their fascination and loving attention as they hushed each other when I stood in the archway to announce the beginning of the play.

WOW: It’s awesome to hear how supportive your family is; what a wonderful gift they gave to you! Speaking of gifts, if your current self could hop in a time machine and give the gift of advice to a younger version of you, what would that be?

Kathleen: Hindsight is wonderful when you can look back on the great expanse of your life and connect with all the lessons learned, usually the hard way. I think I would tell my previous self, to listen more carefully to her “inner voice” as well as to the advice of those who loved her—family and friends who had her best interests at heart. I would tell her to trust her feelings more. In the words of my beloved father, “when in doubt, don’t.”

WOW: Oh wise friend—as you journey with your time machine, could you give that exact same advice to my 16-year-old self? (not that I would listen)

All we can do is move forward and I’m glad to see you moved forward with publishing your memoir. What pushed you in that direction?

Kathleen: Writing has been a passion of mine since I received my first diary with a lock and key at the age of eight. I have journaled my entire life, especially in times of turmoil. I decided to answer the call to write with the intention of eventually publishing a book, back in 1999 when I took my first online writing course, ”Getting Started in Writing” through Writer’s Digest. I loved testing my ability to write effectively and getting feedback. I wrote the story closest to my heart, my young son’s descent into substance abuse. It helped me to clarify the wide range of feelings I was experiencing. When I shared my writing with my son, I was pleased how open he was to hearing my perceptions and the impact his drinking had on me. From 1999 through 2013, I kept writing, taking craft courses, built my author platform and finally completed the first draft of the memoir that was published in 2014. It was not the story I started writing but it was the story that revealed itself to me—the story that begged to be told. Since 2013, I have been rewriting and polishing the story until its publication date on July 28, 2014.

Now to answer your question. What prompted me to publish and motivated me to the finish line was a deep connection to my purpose for writing my story. Once I connected to this purpose—of sharing hope that no matter how bad things may seem, it is possible to climb out of the abyss of poor decisions and lead a joyful life—there was no stopping me. I had to get my story out there for others.

WOW: Some memoir writers are done once their memoir is published and other go on to write more. I love your writing (even how you answered that last question—beautiful!) and hope there are more books in your future, but what is YOUR plan?

Kathleen: After completing the initial phase of my marketing campaign for Ever Faithful to His Lead, I plan to continue writing a sequel about my simultaneous battle of a diagnosis of cancer and my son’s descent into alcoholism. The working title is Hope Matters: A Memoir of Faith. It will be about my faith helped me overcome these battles.

I also have nursing stories I’d love to package into a book. The working title is Sacred Ground: Stories from My Nursing Career.

WOW: Sounds like you’ve already got a good start and I hope to get my hands on a copy of Sacred Ground as well! You certainly have plenty of experiences to draw from.

Is there something about you that might surprise readers? Something very few people know about Kathleen Pooler?

Kathleen: I love a good party and socializing with friends but I also love my alone time and the days I can be a homebody. I love to sing (even though I can’t!) and dance. I love music of any kind (except hard rock) and country and oldies music top the list.

WOW: I’d ask how you feel about fan clubs for musicians but we had better stick to books. What are your thoughts on writers clubs and book clubs?

Kathleen: Writers groups are essential but they have to be a good fit. I feel it is important to feel safe sharing your work and getting constructive feedback. The same with book clubs. It should be a place to discuss and reflect upon books but it also should be a group you feel comfortable expressing your views in without judgment.

WOW: I agree, there’s enough judgment out there and don’t we all worry about negative comments and rejection? I like feedback from my writers group because it’s always well intended.

I’m sure publishing your memoir can be scary. How have you dealt with rejection and/or negative reviews?

Kathleen: I think they are inevitable and we need develop a tough skin and be open to ways we can improve. So much depends upon how the rejection/negative review is delivered. If it is a personal attack with no substantive constructive feedback, it needs to be ignored. If it spells out area of weakness and ways of improvement, it can be a gift. It’s not easy to depersonalize it but I think it’s the only way to survive. Some people say to not even read reviews—positive or negative. Going through a professional editing and beta reading process helped me develop a tougher skin. I also learned what to accept and what to disregard. It’s important to be open to ways to improve while also being true to your story.

WOW: That sounds like good advice for any author. When did you call yourself an author?

Kathleen: I called myself a writer until I published my memoir. Now I call myself an author. Happily.

WOW: That sounds like a victory and a happy dance to me!

Other than the new title, how do you celebrate your writing victories?

Kathleen: I had a great Book Launch Party on 8/23 at my local Indie Bookstore! Right now, I’m in full marketing mode but I find myself taking more breaks and doing some of the other things I want to do—like spend time with my husband, my grandkids, my friends.

WOW: Do you have a favorite author? Maybe not someone you spend time with, but anyone in particular?

Kathleen: That’s a tough question because I love to read a variety of authors and genres but two of my favorite authors are James Michener for his rich detail and Ernest Hemingway for his sparcity of prose that says so much.

WOW: This is an odd question but I always find the answers so intriguing. If you don’t mind my asking: If your book was turned into a Hollywood movie, what song would you want playing as the credits role?

Kathleen: The Rose by Bette Midler for the message of hope it conveys:
“far beneath the hidden snow, lies a rose that with the sun’s love in the spring becomes the rose..”

WOW: That was one of the first songs I learned to play on the piano—I might even volunteer to play it for you if you ever come to Wisconsin! Thank you so much for this great interview and what is sure to be an even greater tour Kathleen! This has been an incredible pleasure!

----------Blog Tour Dates

Monday, October 6 (today!) @ The Muffin
Stop by for an interview and book giveaway!
http://muffin.wow-womenonwriting.com/

Tuesday, October 7 @ Choices
Find out what fellow memoir writer Madeline Sharples thinks after reading Kathleen Pooler's memoir, Ever Faithful To His Lead: My Journey Away from Emotional Abuse. This is a blog stop you won't want to miss!
http://madeline40.blogspot.com/

Wednesday, October 8 @ All Things Audry
Join Kathleen Pooler as she explores "How a Nurse Learns to Care for Herself" as she visits All Things Audry with her memoir Ever Faithful to His Lead. Kathleen is generously offering an ebook copy of Ever Faithful To His Lead: My Journey Away from Emotional Abuse to one lucky winner of a giveaway. Thank you to both Kathleen and Audry!
http://allthingsaudry.blogspot.com/

Thursday, October 9 @ Katherine Hajer
Join Katherine Hajer as she reviews Kathleen Pooler's touching memoir Ever Faithful To His Lead: My Journey Away from Emotional Abuse.
http://www.katherine-hajer.com/

Friday, October 10 @ Sherrey Meyer
Join Kathleen Pooler as she writes a guest post titled "Writing as a Pathway to Healing" and shares her thoughts with author and friend, Sherrey Meyer. Find out more about Kathleen and her insightful memoir Ever Faithful To His Lead: My Journey Away from Emotional Abuse.
http://sherreymeyer.com/blog/

Monday, October 13 @ Women’s Writing Circle
Kathleen Pooler sits down with Susan Weidener for a friendly conversation about how Kathleen crowdfunded her memoir, Ever Faithful To His Lead: My Journey Away from Emotional Abuse.
http://www.susanweidener.com/

Tuesday, October 14 @ Lauren Scharhag
Don't miss Kathleen Pooler's interview with Lauren Scharhag as these ladies discuss the hot topic of memoir. Find out more about Kathleen and her own Ever Faithful To His Lead: My Journey Away from Emotional Abuse.
http://laurenscharhag.blogspot.com/

Tuesday, October 14 @ Vera’s Version
Join Kathleen Pooler as she guest blogs about "How Writing Memoir Helped Me Find Self-Forgiveness" at Vera's Version and shares insight into her memoir Ever Faithful To His Lead: My Journey Away from Emotional Abuse.
http://verasversion.blogspot.com/

Wednesday, October 15 @ About Amish
Kathleen Pooler and her memoir Ever Faithful To His Lead: My Journey Away from Emotional Abuse makes a stop to visit Saloma Furlong at About Amish where you can read Saloma's review and get in a giveaway for an opportunity to read Ever Faithful To His Lead for yourself!
http://salomafurlong.com/aboutamish/

Thursday, October 16 @ Lisa Haselton
Join Lisa Haselton as she interviews Kathleen Pooler and we all learn more about Kathleen's memoir Ever Faithful To His Lead: My Journey Away from Emotional Abuse.
http://lisahaseltonsreviewsandinterviews.blogspot.com/

Friday, October 17 @ Jerry Waxler
Author, Friend, and Fellow Memoir Writer Jerry Waxler reviews Kathleen Pooler's Ever Faithful To His Lead: My Journey Away from Emotional Abuse This is a blog stop you won't want to miss!
http://www.jerrywaxler.com/

Sunday, October 19 @ Moon Bridge Books
Join Linda Austin as she interviews Kathleen Pooler about Pooler's Memoir Ever Faithful to His Lead: My Journey Away from Emotional Abuse.
http://moonbridgebooks.com/

Monday, October 20 @ Romance Junkies
Join Kathleen Pooler as she stops at Romance Junkies for an insightful interview about herself and her memoir, Ever Faithful To His Lead: My Journey Away from Emotional Abuse.
http://www.romancejunkies.com/rjblog/

Tuesday, October 21 @ Mary Gottschalk
Kathleen Pooler shares her latest project: Ever Faithful To His Lead: My Journey Away from Emotional Abuse as she visits with friend and fellow author Mary Gottschalk and fittingly writes about "Girlfriends Matter". This is a blog stop you won't want to miss!
http://marycgottschalk.com/home/

Wednesday, October 22 @ CMash Reads
Join memoir writer Kathleen Pooler as she guest posts at CMash Reads. Kathleen will share her story of "Writing Through the Pain" and tell more about her popular memoir Ever Faithful To His Lead: My Journey Away from Emotional Abuse.
http://cmashlovestoread.com/

Thursday, October 23 @ Bring on Lemons
Hear what Crystal Otto has to say as she reviews Kathleen Pooler’s Ever Faithful To His Lead: My Journey Away from Emotional Abuse Don’t miss this blog stop as Kathleen Pooler has graciously provided a copy of her memoir for one lucky reader to win via a giveaway!
http://bringonlemons.blogspot.com/

Keep up with blog stops and giveaways in real time by following us on Twitter @WOWBlogTour.

Get Involved! If you have a website or blog and would like to host one of our touring authors or schedule a tour of your own, please email us at blogtour@wow-womenonwriting.com.

*****BOOK GIVEAWAY*****

Enter to win a copy of Ever Faithful To His Lead: My Journey Away from Emotional Abuse by Kathleen Pooler! Just fill out the Rafflecopter form below. We will announce the winner in the Rafflecopter widget this Friday, October 10th!

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