By Bobbie Christmas
Q: Your track changes on my manuscript show that you want me to delete a lot of words from my manuscript. Why did you make that recommendation?
A: Please be assured I didn’t randomly select words to delete, and as you can see, many of the words are the same, meaning they were overused. I also rarely removed entire sentences. First let me address a few of the specific words I’d like to see deleted because they are repetitive, superfluous, and/or redundant. I’ll give examples.
Original: He had objected to her demands when she made them, but she had insisted, and he had relented.
Preferred: He had objected to her demands when she made them, but she insisted, and he relented.
I recommended deleting the second and third use of “had” in the same paragraph (and in this case the same sentence) because one use of “had” sets the scene in past perfect tense. Repeating the word leads to loose writing, and creative writers should write tight.
Original: She stood up, walked over to the closet, and then grabbed a scarf.
Preferred: She stood, walked to the closet, and grabbed a scarf.
I recommended deleting “up,” “over,” and “then” because all are unnecessary. Note how no meaning is lost yet the sentence is tighter.
The following is an example of a sentence I deleted.
Original: He thought she didn’t understand. He turned to her and said, “I don’t think you understand.”
Preferred: He turned to her and said, “I don’t think you understand.”
I recommended deleting the first sentence because it tells, rather than shows, and the second sentence, the dialogue, shows and repeats what the first sentence told. It’s always best to show, rather than tell and never wise to show and tell duplicate information.
Q: I see that in my manuscript you changed the order of pronouns and names in some places. Please explain why.
A: In polite language, especially in the narrative, we put our own pronoun last. For example, instead of this: “I and John went to the store,” the correct order is this: “John and I went to the store.” Completely incorrect (although I see it and hear it often) is this: “Me and John went to the store.” We wouldn’t say “Me went to the store,” so you can see why it’s incorrect to say, “Me and John went to the store.”
In other places in the manuscript I saw “me” used correctly, but in the wrong order. For example, this: “He gave orders to me and John.” In this case it should be this: “He gave orders to John and me.”
A writer may, however, intentionally use incorrect grammar in a specific character’s dialogue to indicate the character isn’t well educated or refined. I’d be careful not to have many of the characters speak that way, though, or readers may think it’s the writer who isn’t well educated.
Q: Why did you change some of the pronouns in my manuscript?
A: I substituted names or identifiers in place of pronouns for clarity, especially when more than one character of the same sex appears in the same paragraph. Each pronoun should clearly refer to the last stated noun. Especially when starting a new scene or chapter, names or identifications should precede the use of pronouns. I’ll create a paragraph to show how confusing pronouns can be. Let’s assume the paragraph is the start of a new scene. Here goes:
She combed her blond hair before she applied blush to her cheeks. Janice looked in the mirror to examine her makeup and saw her aide standing behind her. She held a leather portfolio brimming with papers. She turned around before she handed her the papers. She studied the papers before she said, “I’ll take care of this.”
With all those uses of “she,” how can the reader tell who did what? As an editor I would revise the paragraph this way:
Janice combed her blond hair before she applied blush to her cheeks. She looked in the mirror to examine her makeup and saw her aide standing behind her. The aide held a leather portfolio brimming with papers. Janice turned around before her aide handed her the papers. Janice studied the papers before she said, “I’ll take care of this.”
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Bobbie Christmas is a book editor, author of Write In Style: Use Your Computer to Improve Your Writing, and owner of Zebra Communications. She will answer your questions too. Send them to Bobbie@zebraeditor.com or BZebra@aol.com. Read Bobbie’s Zebra Communications blog at https://www.zebraeditor.com/blog/.
