Three Ways to Write Your Memoir/Personal Story

As many of you know, I've written two memoirs (so far!). One is about the painful early years in trying to figure out how to help my daughter, Jaimie (Not Just Spirited: A Mom's Sensational Journey With SPD). The other is about my childhood being raised by a mother with untreated bipolar disorder and alcoholism (White Elephants). Even though I'm narrating these stories, they aren't only my stories to tell. What I mean is, there are others directly or indirectly involved in the telling of the stories--and some of them aren't excited with me sharing them. Sound familiar all you memoir and personal story writers out there?

I didn't find as much of that when Not Just Spirited came out but very much so with White Elephants. In fact, I was actually advised by many people to create a fictional version of the story so that it would be more...'warmly accepted'. I've never been afraid to talk about things that may seem taboo to others but after the story came out, I panicked. What would my family and friends in the book think?

This is actually a very common thing that many writers face, not just those of us writing memoirs addressing serious issues. A lot of people really don't like their business out there for the world to read whether the story is fun, happy, terrifying, goofy or serious. And one of the most popular questions I'm asked in interviews is, "What did/does ______ think of what you wrote?" I guess I just deal with that because certain stories need to be told a specific way. That doesn't mean I disregarded what so-and-so would think of what I'd written but more remembering that I could still tell my story while being respectful of so-and-so's feelings. We've talked about this several times in recent issues of WOW as well as here on The Muffin but let's talk about the three different ways you can share a story:

(1) Fictional: As I mentioned above this was how I was told to write White Elephants. Here you'd simply tell your story through fictional characters. This is the 'safest' way to tell a personal story because you can hide behind the characters you create, altering the setting, location and other things that would make it recognizable to those involved (or at least veil it so they won't feel threatened).

(2) 'Based on a True Story': Hollywood tells stories this way all of the time. The story or events are true but names, characters, location, etc. have been changed so it's standing on the fence between 'fiction' and 'real'. Again, this helps veil certain things (or people) but you can actually say the story (or events) really happened...to someone.

(3) Memoir: This is the route I went. You tell the story. The whole naked truth with all the people, events and/or issues invovled--the good, bad and ugly. This is the most difficult for others involved with your story because you're naming names. There are things you can do, though, to make it a bit easier:

• Talk to those involved. Tell them you're writing this story and ask how they'd feel. Some people won't care, others may not want to be involved. For those who don't want to be involved, try working around that part of the story by touching on the event/person but not going into too much detail. (Eustacia Cutler, for example, wrote her incredible memoir about raising her inspirational daughter Temple Grandin but left her other children out of the book, as per their request. They were okay with the book but didn't want to be in it. That's cool and workable.) I did this too with some experiences.
• Focus on the main part of the story. For example, in White Elephants, the main part of the story was my relationship with my mom--not my brothers', sister, dad or step-dad. Mine. And although we are all connected because of my mom, each of us has our own story to tell and I would never be so bold as to share their stories for them. So I simply kept each of them as a presence being careful to only focus on me and my mom.
• Give first names only or use a different name. I didn't use the last names of any of my friends who were in White Elephants (not that any of them would have cared if I had). This gives them some anonymity in that only those closest to us would know exactly who they were. This was important to me because it was my way of also giving them a nod and gratitude for being there through extremely rough times.
• What's in the book stays in the book; what isn't stays private. There are a few things I didn't include in both White Elephants and Not Just Spirited for various reasons. But I don't talk about them in interviews or whatever either. If I left them out of the book out of respect for certain people, then I shouldn't be discussing them openly outside of the book either.
• Imply without coming right out with it. You can lightly touch on situations that may be too uncomfortable for those involved without getting into the nitty gritty. Give enough information that your reader 'gets' where you're going then continue. For example, I address serious issues like child/sexual abuse, rape, eating disorders and more in White Elephants but I give more details than are required.

You see? There are several ways you can tell that important story while still respecting everyone involved. In my opinion, though, if you're going to be brave enough to tell your story, tell it your way. Believe me when I say you can't make everyone happy nor can you keep the ripples out of the water completely. But you can create a story that needs to be read. Just be honest, be true to yourself and trust your gut.

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1 comment Chynna Laird, Memoir writing, Not Just Spirited A Mom's Sensational Journey With Sensory Processing Disorder, tips on writing memoirs, White Elephants

Squeezing Writing In Around Life, Part II

Just when I sat to write today's post, my kids swarmed me asking for things they wanted or needed.

"Mom? Can Jordy and I have the Craft Box down?"

"Mama? Can we have a drink and a snack?"

"MOM! Sophie is bugging me!"

These are just a few. Needless to say I completely lost my train of thought once I sat back down. It happens to me often. But I don't give up. No matter what we have to keep writing, even with life's distractions all around us. I thought of a post I wrote on Dianne Segan's blog a couple of years ago while on my Blog Tour for I'm Not Weird, I Have SPD. She asked me to write a post about how to squeeze writing in around my busy life and kids. And I thought it was appropriate to share it here today. Here it is and feel free to share your own thoughts.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One of the questions I get asked most often is, “Where on earth do you find the time for writing with four young children?” Believe me, there are days I wonder the very same thing. But I’ve come to realize that writing isn’t just something I love to do, it’s something I need to do. It helps keep me in touch with that part of myself that isn’t “Mama,” and that’s very important—for all of us. Allow me to explain.

I’m actually a late bloomer as far as getting into writing professionally. It’s not that I never had the time to write I was simply too nervous having my work out there for everyone to read. I mean, who the heck would have been interested in what I had to say? But as time went on, my courage increased with each story or article I’d let the world see until I’d made it almost a full-time gig. Then my Jaimie was born and writing had to stop temporarily.

I knew very early on that my miracle girl struggled with something. None of us knew what it was and she tried telling us in her own ways but we didn’t understand. After two years, we finally got someone—a fantastic occupational therapist (OT) named, Donna—to listen to our pleas. After a few hours with Jaimie she told us Jaimie had Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD). Now I’m the sort of person who can deal with anything as long as I have the information. I read every book available at that time, read articles, did online research and absorbed myself completely in understanding this mystery “SPD.”

You see there is much debate on whether SPD is a “real” disorder despite the fact that thousands of families are afflicted by it and tons of research backs it up. That made me angry. I lived with Jaimie each and every day watching how the tiniest things in her environment bothered her and caused her pain—things the rest of us take for granted—and yet it’s still considered “invisible.” That’s when I started writing again.

My passion to help my daughter by helping others understand her became my writing goal. Plus writing for me is therapeutic—it helps me re-focus on what’s important, calms me down when I’m not able to turn my mind off and gets rid of any of residue from the day’s stressors. Most importantly, it makes me feel like I’m doing something proactive in helping Jaimie since I can’t change the world so it doesn’t hurt her, cause her confusion or distress. I can, however, help that world accept her for who she is and see things through her eyes. And now you know why squeezing that writing time in each day is so important to everyone in my house.

Hey! You can do it too. Really. I used to get frustrated when I wasn’t able to sit for a writing session for a specified amount of time until I realized I still could. I just needed to write around my life. I took my little Neo keyboard with me to Jaimie’s therapy sessions, typing madly in the waiting room. I stole bits of time during nap or snack times or when the kids were preoccupied with their one half-an hour show I let them watch. Then I stayed up later after they all (finally) fall asleep. When you give yourself those snippets of time throughout the day, it’s like having an expresso--it gives you extra brain energy until the next snippet you’re allowed to have. (Of course, if you’re writing a novel, you may want to wait until you get those larger blocks of time otherwise it will take forever!)

The most important thing to do is be easy on yourself. Don’t get frustrated if you have a day where the kids need you more than usual and won’t let you escape for a little while—it happens to me all the time. I just remind myself that for every nonproductive day, I get a couple of really productive ones in where I get tons of time to make up the difference.

I look at it this way: God gave me this amazing gift. I may not be the best writer in the world but darn it, I’m right up there with some of the most passionate! My writing has taken on a very specific purpose now, which helps me make that time for writing each and every day—even if it’s just for a few minutes. When I think, “I just don’t have the time today!” I simply look down on Jaimie’s earnest little face and think about how brave she was just getting out of bed that morning to face what her world had in store for her. And that gives me strength to forge ahead.

Keep writing, Mamas! It matters and it’s so important.

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7 comments Chynna Laird, Not Just Spirited A Mom's Sensational Journey With Sensory Processing Disorder, sensory writing, SPD, writing around life, writing true life stories

Chynna Laird, author of Not Just Spirited, launches her blog tour!

& Book Giveaway Comments Contest!

Chynna T. Laird is a mother of three beautiful girls, Jaimie (six-and-a-half), Jordhan (five) and baby Sophie (sixteen months), and a gorgeous baby boy Xander (almost three). In addition to living her dream building up her at-home freelance business (Lily Wolf Words), she's also studying to obtain her B.A. in Psychology, specializing in Early Childhood Development.

Her hobbies include writing, reading, playing piano and crafting with her girls. A lot of the material she writes about includes childhood experiences, her adventures as a Mom, and her personal observations.

She's won writing contests in Byline magazine and her work has been published in various Christian, parenting, writing and inspirational magazines in Canada, the United States, Britain and Australia. As well, she's had personal essays featured in Chicken Soup for the Soul: Children with Special Needs and Cup of Comfort for Special Needs. Last year, she released a children's picture book called, I'm Not Weird, I Have SPD, where she describes--through the voice and perspective of four-year old Alexandra--what it's like to live with Sensory Integration Dysfunction (Sensory Processing Disorder).

Chynna is a member of the Professional Writers Association of Canada (PWAC), The International Women's Writing Guild, The Writers-Editors Network, Christian Writers' Guild, The Canadian Author's Association as well as The Writers Guild of Alberta. She has press cards through the PWAC and the Writers-Editors Network.

Chynna is on tour for her second book, Not Just Spirited: A Mom's Sensational Journey With Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD), and her third book, The Sensory Diet: Setting Your SPD Child up for Success, will be released this year.

Find out more about Chynna by visiting her websites:
Lily Wolf Words: http://www.lilywolfwords.ca/
Blog: http://lilywolfwords.blogspot.com/

Not Just Spirited: A Mom's Sensational Journey With Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD)
By Chynna T. Laird

What would you do if your child suffered with something so severe it affected every aspect of her life?

And what if your cries for help fell on deaf ears at every turn? You'd follow your gut and fight until someone listened. And that's what Chynna Laird did. When she was just three months old, Jaimie's reactions to people and situations seemed odd. She refused any form of touch, she gagged at smells, she was clutzy and threw herself around and spent most of her day screaming with her hands over her ears and eyes.

By the time she turned two, Jaimie was so fearful of her world they spent most days inside. What was wrong with Chynna's miracle girl? Why wouldn't anyone help her figure it out? Jaimie wasn't "just spirited" as her physician suggested, nor did she lack discipline at home. When Jaimie was diagnosed with Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD) at two-and-a-half, Chynna thought she had "the answer," but that was just the start of a three-year quest for the right treatments to bring the Jaimie she loved so much out for others to see. With the right diagnosis and treatment suited to Jaimie, this family finally felt hope. Not Just Spirited is one mother's journey to finding peace for her daughter, Jaimie. As Chynna says often, "Knowledge breeds understanding. And that's so powerful."

Genre: Memoir/Children with Special Needs
Paperback: 174 pages
Publisher: Loving Healing Press (November 2009)
ISBN: 1615990089

Book Giveaway Comments Contest!

If you received our Events Newsletter, remember, we are holding a contest to win a copy of Chynna Laird's book, Not Just Spirited, to those that comment. So, grab a cup of coffee, pull up a chair, and enjoy the chat, and share your thoughts, and comments, at the end. We will randomly choose a winner from those who comment. Enjoy!

(Photo: Chynna's beauties!)

Interview by Jodi Webb

WOW: Welcome, Chynna! Presently, you have three books to your name--each in a different category--but all concentrating on the same subject, Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD). In writing these books, did you find that you preferred one type of writing over another?

Chynna: What a great question! I have to say that I loved writing the children's book the best. That's not because it was the easiest--I still had to concentrate on the target audience, make sure I was saying things "correctly" for that audience, etc. But I think it was because the book was for my little girl. It was my way of helping her to understand what she was going through and how to give her the words to explain her SPD to others. I guess because, at the time I wrote it, I wasn't able to hold her or comfort her or give her any of the usual mommy forms of affection due to her sense of touch being so sensitive; it was my way to do those things. I'll always treasure that book.

WOW: That's beautiful. So what lessons did you learn from your children's book that helped you with your memoir, Not Just Spirited?

Chynna: The number one lesson I learned from the children's book is how important marketing is. I wrote the book in 2007 but didn't really get out there and hard-core market it until earlier this year. Not good, especially when you self-publish. I soon realized that no one would even know my book was out there unless I steered people to it. So now I'm learning about different marketing tools, the most effective social connection tools I can access with the time I have to use them, etc. Some writers make the mistake of thinking their publisher or someone else will be doing all the promoting for them and it's not the case. The writer/author is expected to do a lot of her own promotion and marketing. It's a lot of work but so worth it!

WOW: Thank you for mentioning that--it's a great reminder for authors. Tell us the origins of your memoir.

Chynna: When I first started writing the memoir, I was really just working through the feelings of hurt, confusion and anger I had. Why couldn't I help my child? What was wrong with her? What was wrong with me? At first, it was basically a compilation of journal entries--you know, trying to work through all the emotions.

Then after I wrote my children's book, I'm Not Weird, I Have SPD, I really wanted to do more to help other families out there if I could. I didn't want to write a tell-all or make parents think or do a specific thing. I just wanted to say, "This was our experience. This is what happened in our house and how we dealt with it. These are the things we went up against. It may not have been the 'right thing,' or the 'wrong thing,' but it was what we did. Take what you need, and keep pushing forward with your own journey."

The most important thing I wanted to do was to give parents something I didn't have in the beginning of our SPD journey: The comfort that other families are going through the same things we are and that they aren't alone. One thing I was told in the beginning of my struggle was that, "Parents often feel like they're on a remote island where no one else is going through what they are or understand what it's like to raise a child with sensory issues. Once we reach out...once we share our stories...bridges are built among those islands and we aren't alone anymore." When I heard those words, I realized how important it was for parents to tell their stories.

WOW: I totally agree. I'm sure your book will help a lot of parents who are going through the same thing, and I applaud you for that! When you sat down to write your memoir, how did the process work? Did you rely on memories and journals? Did you discuss the experience with your family?

Chynna: For the longest time, it was only me and Steve [Chynna's husband] here going through everything with Jaimie. It's truly a difficult thing to make people understand your situation when they aren't there to go through it with you. It was so frustrating and lonely, and writing about it always made me feel better.

I wrote journal entries mostly, at first. Then, when I went back to edit it, I went through everything again. It was painful, joyous, angering and enlightening all at the same time. I re-lived every experience...every emotion...and it could be so hard. I often had to leave the computer, just turn it off. It was difficult enough to go through all of that initially...not just for me but especially for Jaimie.

I rewrote parts of the manuscript many times. Not because I'd written it "wrong," but more because this isn't just my story. It's Jaimie's and Steve's and my other children's story. So I had to be sure it was told 'just right,' you know? I didn't want to complain or give a 'poor me' type of perspective. If I was going to share our story, it had to be giving the message that things are tough and you'll face many obstacles but you have to be strong and you'll get where you need to be.

I constantly talked with Steve about the book. A huge part of our story was Jaimie's rejection of his love because she wasn't--and still isn't--able to deal with that. So I had to be sure that I was being true to his feelings and views while remembering this book would be out there for a long time (Hopefully!) and Jaimie's early life would be out there. I wanted it to be something she'd be proud of later on.

WOW: It must be difficult writing a memoir that includes young children. Do you ever worry they'll grow up and say, "Mom, why did you have to write about us?"

Chynna: What another great question. Well, as I touched on earlier I did worry about that. How could I not? They are all so young right now and don't fully understand what Mommy does with her writing. And I remember Steve saying, "Nothing in this is going to come back to haunt Jaimie when she's a teenager or anything, will it?"

I almost didn't publish it for those reasons. But you know what? Jaimie is helping so many people with her story...with our story. I think she'd be proud of how I wrote it and how my publisher edited it (Thank you so much, Victor and Ernest!). She already is! She truly wants people to understand her. I spoke with her constantly about what I was doing because I remember awhile ago, when I'd written my story for the Chicken Soup for the Soul: Children with Special Needs book, she was devastated that I'd talked about her and that everyone would read it. She was embarrassed and believed people wouldn't like her--that was a couple of years ago (and one of the reasons I'd written my children's book). Now, she thinks it's pretty cool to think that she may be able to help others with what she's gone through, and still goes through.

I never made her look pathetic or went into huge, intimate details--that's very important when writing about children in such books. I tried representing her as a little girl going through something tough that she had the strength to learn how to cope with. And that's what I hope she'll see.

WOW: Have you set any writing resolutions for the New Year?

Chynna: I actually blogged about this recently! Okay, some of my goals for 2010 are to: (1) Prioritize my ideas (I have many ideas and not much time to accomplish them so I need to zero in on what I really want to do!); (2) Finish my reference book; (3) Finish my memoir about my mom; and (4) Build up my courage to edit the two fiction works I have shelved. My biggest goals are to finally finish my B.A. in psychology (in April! Yay!) and spend more time with my kids. They need me more than anything or anyone and they're only little for so long. Writing can be very consuming. If you're a writer and a Mama, you can do both you just need to find that balance.

WOW: Wow! I thought I had a lot to accomplish. ;) Thank you, Chynna, for a wonderful and inspirational interview. I wish you the best of luck with your 2010 goals, and with your blog tour!

Want to join Chynna on her blog tour? Check out these dates and mark your calendar! You can also snag a copy of WOW's Events Calendar HERE.

Blog Tour Dates: Come and join the fun!

January 4, 2010 Monday
Chynna will be chatting with WOW! Women On Writing at The Muffin. Stop by and share your comments! One lucky commenter will win copy of Chynna's memoir!
http://www.wow-womenonwriting.com/blog.html

January 5, 2010 Tuesday
Chynna Laird is the guest writer at Write for a Reader's special feature "Because of a Book." Don't miss her take on books and reading and share how they have affected your life.
http://www.writeforareader.blogspot.com/

January 6, 2010 Wednesday
Teachers, parents, and caregivers will want to read this interview about Chynna Laird's experiences striving for a diagnosis and the best life for her daughter with SPD. You can also win her memoir, Not Just Spirited!
http://www.margodill.com/blog/

January 8, 2010 Friday
Chynna Laird shares her secrets to survival in "How to Successfully Combine All Your Roles: Mom, Wife, Employee, Woman." Don't forget to enter to win a copy of her memoir Not Just Spirited!
http://www.autismlearningfelt.com/

January 12, 2010 Tuesday
Chynna Laird, author of Not Just Spirited, shares how rewarding memoir writing was for her. Don't miss it!
http://hellorhighwaterwriter.blogspot.com/

January 14, 2010 Thursday
Stop by Writer Inspired to check out what Chynna has to say in her interview, and enter to win a copy of her memoir Not Just Spirited!
http://writerinspired.wordpress.com/

January 15, 2010 Friday
Stop by the Mom-Blog for "Five Things No One Ever Told You About Sensory Processing Disorder." You'll also have a chance to win a copy of Chynna Laird's memoir, Not Just Spirited, about raising a daughter with SPD.
http://mom-blog.com/

January 18, 2010 Monday
Author and Mom Chynna Laird writes about Advocating for Special Needs Children at Your School. Not to miss!
http://www.texashousewife.com/

January 25, 2010 Monday
Stop by for a review of Chynna Laird's memoir, Not Just Spirited, and a chance to win a copy!
http://thingsandstuffreviews.blogspot.com/

January 26, 2010 Tuesday
Don't miss a peek into the world of Sensory Processing Disorder with a guest post from Chynna Laird, author of a children's book, memoir, and cookbook on SPD.
http://autmont.blogspot.com/

We have more dates to come, so be sure to check out our Events Calendar HERE.

Get involved!

We hope you are as excited about the tour as we are! Mark your calendar, save these dates, and join us for this truly unique and fascinating author blog tour.

If you have a blog or website and would like to host one of our touring authors, or schedule a tour of your own, please email Angela and Jodi at: blogtour@wow-womenonwriting.com

** Please feel free to copy any portion of this post.

Be sure to comment on this post to enter in a drawing for a copy of Chynna Laird's memoir Not Just Spirited: A Mom's Sensational Journey With Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD). And check back in a couple of days in the comments section to see if you won!

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32 comments author blog tour, children with special needs, Chynna Laird, Not Just Spirited A Mom's Sensational Journey With Sensory Processing Disorder, SPD