Psych 101: Rejection

About two weeks ago, I got two rejections in a single day. One was from a dream agent and it was a FORM rejection. But I was simply too busy to let it bother me. Whatever. Deadline dead ahead. 

Then a friend spoke about a similar pair of rejection that really shook her. She’s an amazing CNF writer and has had work in places I would never dream of approaching. But the rejections flattened her. 

Both of our responses made me wonder. Why do writers react to rejection the way we do? I turned to psychology for answers about how we react and what can be done about it. 

Why It Hurts 

For answers as to why rejection hurts, we need to look to the past. Early humans, without ferocious teeth or claws or the ability to run really fast, survived because they were part of a group of other humans. Psychotherapist Lori Gottlieb explains that rejection was BAD and humans developed a response, for their own good, that made them want to avoid it. 

We are hardwired to react and to hate the way it feels. What about the variety of responses? 

How we as individuals react is rooted in infancy and the attachments we formed. Psychologist Leslie Becker-Phelps explained that people who had secure attachment styles grow up seeing ourselves as worthy. Those with an insecure attachment style are more . . . insecure. 

Not that this means you will never be impacted or that you will always be impacted. Because there are things you can do to help you deal with rejection. 

When Rejection Happens 

First things first, acknowledge what you are feeling. Go ahead and be angry, sad, bewildered, or shocked. Feel, observe and identify your feelings. This may take a day or two but that’s okay. 

Once you’ve identified your feelings, move into self-care. Psychologists warned that this doesn’t mean self-medicating with alcohol, chocolate, or other sweets. Empty calories are never a good long-term plan. 

Instead, do something that centers you. For some people this might involve running or meditation. Do things that make you feel calm and serene. I walk, do yoga, and knit. 

Moving Forward 

Once you’ve had time to process the feelings and are in a better space, take another look at your query, pitch or manuscript. Is it the best it could possibly be? Don’t just come back with “of course it is!” There’s bound to be one section that is especially strong. Now find the weakest section. What can you do to make it as good as your best section? 

Perhaps the work really is as strong as it can be. If so, make sure that the agents or publishers you targeted were the best possible fit. Look at other markets and see if you can find one that is similar but even better for your work. 

The Big Picture 

As you prepare yourself for the next round of submissions, consider why you are pursuing publication. What does it mean to you? Look at the amount of effort you’ve already put into it. Writing, rewriting, and completing a manuscript is a big deal. Not everyone can pull it off. But you’ve done it. 

In part, how we respond to rejection is hardwired. But we can work through it when it happens. And we can make sure our work is top notch and our markets are the best possible fit. Have your self-care routines in place and then hit send.

Acceptance or rejection, your fellow WOW writers will be gathered round when the responses come. And a caring community? A highly recommended way to stay centered. 

--SueBE

Sue Bradford Edwards' is the author of over 27 books for young readers.  To find out more about her writing, visit her site and blog, One Writer's Journey.

The next session of her new course, Pitching, Querying and Submitting Your Work will begin on July 5, 2021).  Coping with rejection is one of the topics she will cover in this course.
Sue is also the instructor for  Research: Prepping to Write Nonfiction for Children and Young Adults (next session begins July 5, 2021) and Writing Nonfiction for Children and Young Adults (next session begins  July 5, 2021).