A Focus on Friendships - Part One of Three

I feel a bit shocked that it's August already - nearing the end of third quarter for our business and time to go school shopping for most of our littles. We are just wrapping up third crop hay on our farm and getting ready for corn harvest. This is one of my favorite months of the year in my little corner of the cornfield. The corn is taller than I am, and I can't see the road from my patio. We have a long driveway, but this time of year, I have a cornfield as a privacy fence. It's all very fancy if you ask me - my allergies however are a different story. We all have well established farmer tans and freckles and we've cut most of the sleeves off our t-shirts. As much as we will eventually welcome the cooler weather, fuzzy sweaters, and school, for now we are soaking in the more relaxing days and increased together time. Well, I am enjoying the together time. I am positive my teenagers would tell a different story of the demanding mother who forces them out of bed hours before they are ready. 

 Those angsty teenagers are the inspiration for my articles this month. If you don't have teenagers, I'm sure you were one at one time, so don't stop reading now. I promise you'll be able to relate - and today's discussion about friendships may help you with your writing (believable characters and such) and if you're not a writer, maybe it will help you with your friendships. Now, before I get too much further, I want you to know I've been an awful friend. I've been a great friend. I'm a work in progress. There's undoubtedly people who might look at this article and think "she has no business talking to anyone about friendships" and there's other people who might disagree wholeheartedly (maybe...I hope?). I however, think struggling with things is what makes us the perfect person to participate in a discussion about said topic. So - here goes - let's talk about friendships, shall we? This isn't me telling you what to do or not to do - it's just a conversation and hopefully it will offer each of us a little something. Grab your favorite beverage (I'll fill my coffee mug) and we can chat a bit. Stop back later this month for part two publishing on the 26th of this month!. If you're wondering - today's photo headline is a picture of me and my best friend a few days ago as we celebrate our 9th year of wedded bliss and forever friendship! 

 Have you ever been the friend who spoke up and told someone how you feel? If you have, I commend you! It's really hard to tell someone how you are feeling. There's always the risk of them seeing your feedback as an insult or attack. What happens then? Sometimes we let that fear of the unknown stop us from being open and talking about our feelings. Whether we have the conversation or not, those negative feelings are going to take a toll on the friendship. It takes a brave person to open up about how they are feeling. It also takes a brave person to listen and accept what is being said. Once we hear how someone is feeling, it is our choice what to do with that information. Years ago before children and before farming, I had an opportunity to lead a discussion concerning "dealing with difficult people" and I like to use some of that information when it comes to sorting out my own feelings and friendships. My takeaway from the difficult people discussion was concerning types of feedback and deciding what type of feedback we are receiving (or giving). I like to say there are two types of feedback, but in reality only one is feedback and the other is criticism (or basically an insult). The words can be the same for each, but it's the motive that needs to be examined. Let's boil it down to something basic: 

 1) Feedback is something we are telling someone about to help them grow 

2) Criticism is something we are telling someone to hurt them Basically, the intention is the difference. 

 We could spend weeks coming up with longer definitions, but let's go with the down and dirty for the sake of today's conversation. My daughter was recently told by a friend that the friend felt left out at times. She bravely said "when we are together I have a lot of fun, but when your other friends are around I don't feel like I'm part of the group". I applaud the young lady for talking about her feelings. She wasn't attacking the other friends or hurling insults, she was simply sharing things from her perspective. My daughter was hurt by what was said and came home to talk about it. I told her that though I wasn't there, I feel this is valuable feedback that should be taken to heart. I also reminded her that she's 14 and the choice is hers to make - she can either accept the feedback or not. I suggested she may want to thank her friend for being open about how she is feeling and then they can talk about ways to be more inclusive in a large group setting. We also had a conversation about how we might feel differently if the friend had said "you really aren't a good friend when Krissy is around; you ignore me and you're so snobby". It's so easy to tell the difference between feedback and critism in this example; sometimes it's not quite this easy though. 

 Our time is coming to an end today - but before we get together again, leave a comment and answer one of these questions if you would please? 

 ** When did you provide a friend with what you thought was feedback but it was received as criticism? What do you wish you had done differently? 

** How would you like to receive feedback from a friend? Do you have an example of a time you received feedback and it helped grow your relationship/friendship? 

** What do you think is the key to a long lasting friendship?

And with that - hugs my dear friend and until next time!

~Crystal

Today's blogger is Crystal J. Casavant-Otto who is a hot mess of a momma and dairy farmer enjoying her little corner of the cornfield in Wisconsin! 

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2 comments conversation about life, friendship, life lessons, relationships

Opening Yourself to New Ideas

I had the amazing opportunity to spend the last four days in beautiful Napa Valley, California with seven of my college girlfriends. Wine. Laughter. Sunshine. More wine. The weekend was everything I could have asked for.

But what I haven’t mentioned yet are the stories. Yes, we’ve known one another for twenty-two years, but that doesn’t mean we’ve kept in touch the way we should. And this weekend gave us the opportunity to share copious stories. Some were funny. Some were sad. Some were poignant and some unbelievable. Some stories will stay in Napa because they can never come home.

At one point, however, my friend Ann suggested that I write a book about us. Not about us, exactly. But about the situation – seven friends who come together for a Napa weekend after twenty-something years of friendship and what they learn about themselves and each other.

Initially, I said no. I write young adult fiction – paranormal, fantasy, non-reality-based fiction. Still, the more I thought about it, the more the idea began to take shape. Maybe I COULD write a book about this. Maybe it’s the thing that’s been waiting in the back of my head, screaming to get out. The ideas are there – as soon as she mentioned it, they flowed. There’s certainly the emotion behind it. Maybe much of it will still be fiction, but isn’t most fiction based in reality anyway?

The idea of writing the unfamiliar is scary. We know what we’re good at, so it’s easy to stay in the same rut. Here’s the thing though - maybe we’d be great a writing something else. Maybe it’s time to branch out. Maybe it’s time to open ourselves to new ideas.

I know this weekend was incredibly inspiring. I learned about fashion, incredibly helpful apps, limo buses called True Elegance, and what it means to keep friendships for long periods of time. It also inspired me to write outside my comfort zone. And that is something that will stay with me forever.

So I challenge you to do the same. I feel more energized to write than I have in a long time. It’s all about having the right idea, and who cares if it’s what we’re comfortable with or not?

Bethany Masone Harar is an author, teacher, and blogger, who does her best to turn reluctant readers into voracious, book-reading nerds. Check out her blog here and her website here.

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3 comments California, fiction, friendship, genres, ideas, Napa, non-fiction, realistic fiction, weekend, writing

You My Beautiful Friend are Enough

There is a beauty that comes with self acceptance, but do you know what is more beautiful? Not caring what other people think. It's amazing! There are still those moments when I second guess myself, feel I'm not enough etc... I don't think anyone can be 100% self accepting and uncaring. We all have moments of weakness. About a year ago I became part of a group called Unicorn Moms. You may have seen my references to it on social media. The gist of it is this:

A Unicorn Mom is a mother 
who's not perfect, enjoys alcohol, 

has a sense of humor, and couldn't 
care less what you think. 

I don't agree with everything posted in the group, but I enjoy being part of a group where we don't get all over each other about our differences. (I also understand you don't have to drink alcohol to be cool - so if that's an issue for you, please know I didn't make up the definition or the term) I'm bringing this to you today because the holidays are hard. You don't need to be part of a group, and that's not why I'm telling you about it. You can be a unicorn without being a mom or joining a group. Be your own cheerleader - realize that you are more than ordinary - you are extraordinary! Especially during this, the time of year when we seem to doubt ourselves most. Regardless of your religion or tradition, you've likely been very busy and will remain busy through the new year. There are parties to attend (does this dress make me look fat? what if I say the wrong thing? does my hair look grey?) and there are people stopping by (is the house clean enough? did I make enough food? do you think anyone will notice I haven't cleaned under that since George W was president?). 

I feel great about myself until I start imaging what other people are thinking about me. A lot of this has subsided with age. I also remind myself that I am enough. I love enough, I laugh enough, I clean enough, I've also been ending some of my vlogs reminding my friends of the same thing. You don't have to be part of the Unicorn Mom group, that's not what this is about. What you have to do is give yourself a break. Especially when life gets hard. Cheer yourself on with positive thoughts and positive self talk!

2016 was one of those years. More people than not are saying "2016 was a rough year, I can't wait for it to end." Lots of things have happened that are completely beyond your control. What is within your control is your attitude. Remind yourself you are enough. Try to love more, laugh more, and don't care so much about what other people think. Let's all try to go into 2017 accepting our imperfections and loving ourselves just a little bit more.

What do you currently tell yourself when you look in the mirror?

What is your most beautiful trait (physical or otherwise)?

What group has been beneficial for you when it comes to being positive, motivated, and emotionally healthy?

What are you excited about in 2017 and beyond?

Share your thoughts in the comments - we would love to hear from beautiful YOU!

Hugs,

~Crystal

PS - what books did you get for Christmas? 

I'm excited to say I got a huge stack...stay tuned for reviews! 

Crystal is a church musician, babywearing mama (aka crunchy mama), business owner, active journaler, writer and blogger, Blog Tour Manager with WOW! Women on Writing, Publicist with Dream of Things Publishing, Press Corp teammate for the DairyGirl Network, Unicorn Mom Ambassador, as well as a dairy farmer. She lives in Manitowoc County, Wisconsin with her husband, four young children (Carmen 9, Andre 8, Breccan 3, and Delphine 1), two dogs, two rabbits, four little piggies, a handful of cats and kittens, and over 230 Holsteins.

You can find Crystal riding unicorns, taking the ordinary and giving it a little extra (making it extraordinary), blogging and reviewing books, baby carriers, cloth diapers, and all sorts of other stuff at:http://bringonlemons.blogspot.com/

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4 comments acceptance, facebook groups, friendship, love, new year, new you, self acceptance, self care, self love, social media, unicorn mom

Shine! No Dimming Necessary

We've got our shades on - SO YOU CAN SHINE!

Monday articles are stressful to write. I enjoy Monday posts with a touch of humor and a smudge of inspiration. I found myself in my yard pondering what to write. My youngest was playing in his sandbox as I jotting down ideas in my notebook. We live on a busy farm; it is common for people to come and go. On this particular morning a gentleman I know rather well stopped to chat on his way to the barn. As we exchanged pleasantries he asked me to explain a yard decoration I hadn’t thought about since spring when I purchased it. The decoration in question is a decorative flag. It reads: Shine! No Dimming Necessary. He understood the words but wondered what about it had compelled me to purchase and display it.

We had a fabulous conversation about my goal as a wife, mother, and friend. The timing of this conversation seemed serendipitous and I feel moved to share my thoughts with you dear readers and friends. Here is my explanation:

Shine! No Dimming Necessary

I don’t ever want my husband, my children, or my friends to feel they need to play down ANYTHING in order to make our relationship work. There was a time in my life when I felt everything was a competition. If you had published your book before I had, I might choose to ignore your phone calls and skip your book launch. That was then…and those were some dark days when I was too miserable to be happy in my own skin much less be happy for someone else (awful qualities to have in a friend by the way).

Times are different now and I’m not sure if it’s age, wisdom, patience, or what the cause is exactly. What I do know is this: If you are happy, I am happy. It’s just that simple! Come over, grab a cup of coffee. Gush about how much you love your new job, how fabulous your new highlights look, the awesome guy you met at the gym, or your latest weight loss victory. I can’t wait to share in your excitement as I watch you shine! You aren’t rubbing anything in my face. In fact, when I go out in the sunshine, my cheeks get this nice rosy glow and the vitamin D kicks in giving me more energy. Similarly, you can come here anytime and shine. You’re doing me a favor. As I watch you shine, I get caught up in the excitement and my cheeks get rosy and I am energized right along with you. There is absolutely no dimming necessary around this place. Don’t you dare play down your excitement and your accomplishments! I love you and I want you to shine as bright as possible! Leave a comment and share a recent thought or accomplishment so we can all see you shine! There is no dimming necessary here at WOW!

Crystal is a church musician, business owner, active journaler, writer and blogger as well as a dairy farmer. She lives in Reedsville, Wisconsin with her husband, three young children (Carmen 7, Andre 6, Breccan 1 year tomorrow), two dogs, two rabbits, four little piggies, a handful of cats and kittens, and over 200 Holsteins. You can find Crystal blogging and reviewing books and all sorts of other stuff at:http://bringonlemons.blogspot.com/ She is shown here with her children and her mother hanging out in a tree in her yard. Photo credit to Olivia Brey of Oh! Photography.

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4 comments accomplishments, energized, energizing, friendship, inspiring, no dimming necessary, share good news, shine on

Friday Speak Out!: In The Company Of Women, Guest Post by Julie Luek

Several years ago, I worked at a college. I liked my job, but I was missing the element of female friendship in my life. I’d read articles, with envy, in magazines like Oprah about the power of women companionship and wondered how I could find the time and opportunity to find female companionship within my predictable pattern of living.

My loneliness birthed an idea: I put together a random list of women I knew, across the various fields and hierarchies of the college, and invited them to meet for a glass of wine. Women, who would ordinarily not have crossed paths, began to meet, talk, laugh, share. Two years later, even though I no longer work there, the tradition carries on and fortunately, I’m still on that email list.

Our get-togethers didn’t quite end up like an Oprah article, but I forged new friendships and enjoyed the conversation and laughter that can only be found in the company of other women.

As I moved into a new phase in life, choosing to pursue writing full-time, I found myself having the same inner craving to find a group of like-minded women to share in the journey. Of course the argument can be well-made that the gender is inconsequential, but I have found, as with my work friends, the camaraderie and understanding of women to be soothing and resounding in my heart.

I have a couple online women writer friends who are my go-to people when I’m feeling stressed, stuck or wanting to celebrate. When I’m in a whining mode, before launching into problem-solving, my women friends will take the time to respond to the heart first, empathizing with my emotions.

A friend of mine and I recently made a “chat appointment” on Facebook to catch up with each other’s writing progress. She knows I’m in the midst of changing my genre focus. Instead of asking what I’m working on or about my goals, she immediately first affirmed my decision by reflecting on the talent she sees in my writing. Like sipping a good wine, I felt my insecurities relax.

Women writers are willing to tackle, not just the mechanics or goals, but to also talk about the more existential reasons for writing beyond a career choice. We are able to acknowledge and explore our journey as an evolving expression of who we are.

I want to be careful to avoid stereotype. I realize these qualities aren’t exclusive to being a woman. I also realize not all women possess nor want to dwell in the emotional and spiritual reasons for writing. But I believe there is a common language in the company of women who share our passion.

I believe strongly in the benefits of the community of women writers. So pull up a chair, and grab a beverage of your choice. Let’s rise above the sense of competition and toast our successes and empathize with each other on this journey. As women, we can be the support our hearts crave.

***

Julie Luek lives in the mountains of Colorado and enjoys hiking, kayaking and cross-country skiing. She is a freelance writer published in regional and national magazines. She is also a bi-monthly contributor to She Writes and a monthly contributor the Rocky Mountain Fiction Writers blog, The Chiseled Rock. Julie maintains two blogs, A Thought Grows and In Fine Company. She loves making new writer friends and supporting and encouraging others on this exciting journey. She can be found on Facebook and Twitter and welcomes a friendly hello anytime.

 

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Would you like to participate in Friday "Speak Out!"? Email your short posts (under 500 words) about women and writing to: marcia[at]wow-womenonwriting[dot]com for consideration. We look forward to hearing from you!
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33 comments Friday Speak Out, friends, friendship, Julie Luek, women, writing support